A Story Which Bashes Twilight

                                  A Nightmare at Twilight on Elm Street

Once upon a time, there was an incredibly sexy man named Fredward Kruegllen.  Seriously, this guy is sexy.  All of you girls should buy this so you can fantasize about how sexy he is and how incredible it would be to make love with him.  Oh, he’s also this book’s pathetic excuse for a vampire.  Anyway, back to the story.  Then one day, a girl named Stephanie Meyer, oops, I mean, a girl named Bella Swan started going to school where the unbelievably sexy Fredward went.

“Ohmigawd, Bella!”  A completely annoying girl character exclaimed.  “You’re, like, so totally cute.  I bet all the guys will love you.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.”  Bella replied modestly because she just wouldn’t be a likable protagonist if she had a giant ego.  “I’m pretty plain, actually.”

“I think we should totally be best friend forever!”  The completely annoying girl who surprisingly isn’t going to be half as annoying as the main characters suggested.  “All of the other girls will definitely want to be your best friends too!”  Suddenly, a really big group of boys and girls came over to Bella.  The boys were raving on about wanting to be her boyfriend and the girls were raving on about wanting to be her best friend forever.  As she hated popularity, Bella ran over to the solitary and sexy Fredward Kruegllen with his unbelievably perfect crooked smile and his wonderful physique and his beautiful eyes and his scrumptious hair.

“You’re very beautiful.”  Fredward said because he has no subtly at all.  Besides, he doesn’t need any, he’s sexy!

“No, I’m not.”  Bella replied.  “I’m so plain.”

“We’d better get away from that big group that seems so obsessed with you and your beauty.”  Fredward suggested.  “Grab hold of my back.”  Bella squealed with delight because Fredward is so hot and attempted to grab Fredward, but she slipped and fell.

“Oopsie,” Bella said.  “I’m such a klutz.”  Without responding, Fredward grabbed Bella and jumped out a nearby window.  Once outside, Fredward began sparkling in the sunlight because vampires totally do that.  They don’t burn in the sun, who told you that?  Stop believing stupid things like that.  Anyways, this event dazzled Bella beyond all belief as Fredward’s sexiness was increased extremely by sparkling.

*INSERT A TON OF PAGES INVOLVING NOTHING BUT BELLA FAWNING OVER FREDWARD AND FREDWARD ABUSING BELLA/WATCHING BELLA SLEEP/DOING ALL THAT STUFF THAT GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO DISLIKE BUT IT COMPLETELY DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE FREDWARD KRUEGLLEN IS SEXY BEYOND ANYONE’S WILDEST DREAMS*

Suddenly, a large mob with pitchforks and torches came out of nowhere.

“Kruegllen, you sick bastard!”  One of the bad men yelled.  “We’ll teach you to watch girls sleep, you pervert!”  The mob chased Fredward Kruegllen to an old abandoned building.  Fredward took shelter in the building and locked the door so the mob couldn’t kill him.  Unfortunately, the building prevented Fredward the ability to sparkle and dazzle people so he began to panic.

“Wait,” he realized.  “I’m still the sexiest thing alive and I’m pretty sure I’d make a pretty sexy corpse too.”  Fredward stopped panicking, but on the outside of the building the panicking was just beginning.  A guy in the mob lit a bottle on fire and got ready to throw it into the building.

“No dad,” Bella yelled to her father.  “You’ll kill him!”

“Honey,” Charlie (Bella’s father for those stupid enough to not figure it out and considering that fact that you’ve read all the way to the end of the book, it isn’t surprising that you would be that stupid) said.  “He watched you while you slept for God’s sake.”

“But daaad,” Bella whined.  “He’s hot and sexy.”

“That doesn’t justify what he’s done,” yelled the one intelligent guy in this book before throwing the flaming bottle into the building.  “Now we’re making him a little hotter!”  Fredward Kruegllen saw the flaming bottle land in the building and hit some spilled gasoline.  The flames became very big and started catching on most of the building.  This was good because the light from the flames were making Fredward sparkle and he could dazzle himself with a piece of reflecty glass, but it was also bad because it was probably going to kill Fredward.  A while passed and the building was gone because it burned down and Fredward Kruegllen was dead.  Bella was sad and became really angsty.

“No one understands me!”  She complained, changing her clothes to be all black and putting some makeup on.  One night, Bella went to sleep and wished Fredward could watch her sleep just one last time because he was always so sexy.  When she was asleep, she saw a figure standing in her dreams.

“Hello again, Bella.”  The figure said, sounding exactly like Fredward Kruegllen.  “I’ve come to see you again.”  Bella became very happy and ran over to Fredward who was in the shadows.  However, once she reached him, she saw that Fredward was now horribly burned and disfigured making him super unhot and unsexy!

“Fredward,” Bella gasped.  “You’re ugly now!”

“Yes, I know.”  Fredward responded.  “But now I have seen the error of my ways and I am ready to respect others and treat them as I wish to be treated.  Bella, will you still accept me and love me for my now caring heart?”  Bella pulled away from Fredward who still isn’t sexy anymore.

“No way,” Bella answered.  “You aren’t sexy anymore and that’s the only thing that matters.  Who cares if a guy is nice, if he isn’t sexy?  God, you’re stupid too.  You thought that I’d actually love you if you were caring instead of sexy.  I’m not dreaming about you anymore.”  Bella stalked off and Fredward cried out in anger and sadness.  Letting anger take over, Fredward used the claw on his hand to stab Bella and murder her in her sleep which killed her in real life.  Ever since then, Fredward Kruegllen has murdered people in their dreams under his new name, Freddy Krueger.  

And now you know the real story.